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Recently I had the rare and privileged opportunity to interview different people I know who have lost a loved one. Through their stories of grief and bereavement I was able to see a fragment of what it is like to experience such significant loss.
In the past two years I have felt the Lord leading me to this population and I aspire to eventually use my counseling license to reach those processing death. Along this journey a topic frequently surfaces: "What do I say to those hurting?" I myself wondered this, thus began my research. Through different counseling courses and individual interviews I have discovered it is not so much about what to say as it is about what not to say.
Even as I studied the book of Job I find that the presence of Job's friends was more meaningful than the content of their words. Being there for our loved ones may be of greater influence than spewing familiar colloquialisms in an attempt to bring comfort.
So through the different avenues of information I pursued, here is a list of the phrases that were found to be the least helpful.
1. "You're grieving wrong"
Every person who experiences loss grieves differently. There is no specific way to grieve because loss is all about the person's perception. Many things color that implication of loss; the relationship, their history, the way the person passed, the age they were when they passed, the last conversation that occurred before they passed, the person's perception of the world, faith, the list goes on. Because so many factors influence perception it is improbable that any of us can 'exactly' relate to the grieving person. We may have had a similar experience and may have developed techniques that worked for you, but ultimately you do not understand the reality of that persons feelings. As long as the person is not being self distructive or harming others, let them process in the way that works for them. A classmate of mine named Amanda discussed with me losing her husband at such a young age, she emphasized that anything that puts expectations on someones grief is not helpful. We must remember that we have no right to try and control another's grieving process.
2. "I understand"
Like I discussed above, everyone has a different experience with grief and even though you may have had a significantly similar situation, you do not honestly understand their perception. This is a key phrase in the counseling field that we try to avoid. It diminishes the weight of their feelings rather than implying care. I know we feel that this is an appropriate phrase and we are simply trying to help, but for some, these are not helpful words.
3. "You look like you're better"
This is another phrase that we feel expresses kindness and joy, but does not necessarily convey such. Though we may not admit it, we are uncomfortable with grieving and often inadvertently show excitement when someone seems to be 'getting over it'. This phrase however is unhelpful in two ways: first is because though the person may look fine they may not feel fine. Second is because we tend to rush people to move on so that we do not have to deal with their sadness interfering with our joy. I had the wonderful opportunity to interview a strong and brave woman from my church named Gaynor. She tragically and unexpectedly lost her husband a year ago and kindly took the time to share with me her perceptions. She explained in vivid detail how she often feels the need to put on a happy face and act 'normal' even if she is still hurting. Unfortunately as a society we push people to 'get back to normal' which often forces people to portray normalcy rather than express their true feelings.
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4. "It looks like things are finally getting back to normal"
Feeding off of what I said above, let me emphasize this: For someone who has experienced significant loss, things do not go back to normal. A friend of mine named Marri Ellen who lost her husband few weeks ago to pancreatic cancer described her loss to me as getting her arm ripped off. It's like learning to live without a limb. Marri Ellen described to me the strange surreal feeling that came with losing her husband. She sometimes finds herself getting up to tell something to Bob but then realizes he is no longer there. "It's like I'm still looking for my lost limb." If I can quote Brooklyn a young woman who lost her boyfriend unexpectedly, she said it perfectly, "In the end other people just see the exterior not how you feel on the inside." Let us remember not just to take things at face value.
5. "It's time to move on"
Ouch! So this phrase is a little abrasive and we may not necessarily say it like this but we can imply 'moving on' in a variety of ways. For those who are grieving, time becomes far less relative. Loss is not a process to endure until it's over, but an event that carries with your heart for life. We discuss Kubler Ross's 5 stages of grief like a line but actually the process is quiet cyclical. Unfortunately there is no 'end' to grief, it only becomes easier to talk about and remember with time, but does not actually go away. My friend Brooklyn described to me another phrase she heard when she lost her boyfriend, " It will heal in time." She discussed that time does not heal a wound, the wound simply turns in to a deep scar. There is no 'cure' for grief, there is only learning to cope with the symptoms. C.S. Lewis describes in his book A Grief Observed his experience of losing his wife to cancer. He states, " I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process."
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So what can I do??
Through studying literature and speaking with others I have compiled a few basic helping tools we can employ.
1. Keep their memory alive
Merri Ellen discussed with me how she felt the need to keep her husband's memory alive so that people would not forget who he was. We as humans tend to store away memories fairly quickly when something is not present in our lives. It's how our brain works. However to those who are grieving, this person is still of upmost importance to them and thus we should not disregard their feelings. By allowing the grieving person to share photos, stories, and other memories we can show appreciation for their special person and not allow the memory to fade it to forgetfulness.
2. Let them talk
Instead of interjecting our thoughts, we should allow the person to talk about their loved one openly and freely. Amanda shared with me how she often feels weird about talking about her loss because she can tell it makes people feel awkward. To express concern and care all we truly have to do it listen. My graduate professor expressed a profound statement last night in my facilitation skills class, she said "Become comfortable with other people's discomfort." It is through allowing others to express pain, that we can help provide care.
3. Mood Matching
Merri Ellen gave me another valuable gem of advice through her experience of loss but also through her vast experience in Hospice care. She discussed the importance of matching your mood to the grieving person. If that person is at a point in the process where they want to cry and mourn, it is not helpful or appropriate to bounce in, throw open the curtains, and try and cheer them up. Meet that person where they are at, rather than try and push them to another level.
4. Hush Up
Here is a big one. One of the best things we can do as a friend is just to say nothing. Just be present and attentive.
5. Stay
We fear death, it's innate. Because we are afraid of it we often run from it. Thus, when we have friends who experienced a death in their lives our natural tendency is to move away. We are uncomfortable with sadness and anxious when discussing the death itself. A friend of mine from college, Christina, lost the love of her life suddenly and was kind enough to share her thoughts. She expressed the pain of not only losing her boyfriend but also the pain of losing friends who backed away during this time. She explained just how helpful it would have been to have friends who stuck around and just hung out with her during her grief. Don't be that friend that walks out. Be there for them, even if it means getting outside of your comfort zone.
Let us not be uneducated, or living in fear of loss, but reaching out to others who needs us the most. Death and loss are in everything, it is a part of life. Let us seek to gain understanding of how to help, and thus maybe when it is our turn to burden such sorrow, someone will be there to bring kindness in the pain.
Thank you to all of the amazing people who contributed their experiences to this article. You have opened my eyes and given me new perspective. I am deeply grateful.
If you would like to contribute your thoughts, please comment bellow. What has been helpful to you? What has been not so helpful? What do you wish people understood about grief?
Feel free to share.
Blessings to you and yours,
Chelsea Vanderford
