21 Thoughts All Counseling Students Have

I wanted to post something really insightful and interesting this December but my mind is fully cluttered by finals week and all of my end-of-term assignments. So instead I'm going to talk about what's really on my mind during this Christmas season and that's college. So if you're in the same boat I'm in please enjoy...

1. "I'm pretty sure this person has a DSM diagnosable disorder, but I have no grounds to do anything about it or even diagnose them." 

2. "HA! other majors spend class time going over complex formulas and modules, while my class spent the entire time sitting in a circle talking about feelings!"  

3. This is great until the professor announces that you'll be having a final on the entire book, none of which you have covered in class in any solid way. 

4. "Help me I'm self-diagnosing and I can't stop..."

5. When you meet really strange people in public and you think "Oh no... I have to work with people like this..." and you question the entirety of your life choices. 

6. But then you realize weird people are interesting... "So tell me why do you want to eat your hair?"

7. When you actually do better than expected on a project.

8. When you have an eerie epiphany, "I might be the crazy one..." 

9. and then you realize everyone else in the class is just as crazy as you are... "takes one to know one right?" 

10. When you take the "self-care" advice in ethics very seriously. 

11. When you're trying to stay ahead of the game and then life happens, "come on Professor you're always talking about empathy, try having some!"

12. When the professor tries to explain something using the exact words from the syllabus, "You don't say, I would have never thought to read that before asking you..."

13. So you write your paper anyway having no idea what you're doing.

14. When you see something really cool in a mock counseling session, "I'll just save that in my mental rolodex for later."

15. When your advisor recommends a place for internship that you've heard terrible terrible things about.

16. When you consider going for your Phd. but then remember you would have to write a dissertation. 

17. When someone shares something super weird with you and you're trying to keep a poker face.

18. When you first begin your internship. 

19. When your emotionally irrational and remind yourself that you have to apply the same techniques to yourself that you would your clients.

20.  When you completely botch a practice session 

and finally...

21. When you care about your future career and helping others so much that you keep persevering through your degree. You got this!

 

I just finished one year in my Masters degree so I'm half way to getting my degree in mental health counseling! Woo hoo! So I'm celebrating with a ridiculous blog post and with this awesome photo with my professor and classmates:

3 Things for Christian Women to Remember When Putting on Lipstick

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1. I take a good bit of time in the mornings to work through my makeup routine. It's pretty satisfying when you complete your look with the perfect shade of lipstick to match your look that day. It's like the cherry on the sundae. I love the artistry of it all and don't enjoy being rushed. One morning I was in a time crunch and was blundering through my morning duties. By the time I finished my makeup with the final touch of a vibrant red matte it was time to go and I hadn't even completed my Bible study for the morning. I realized that if I was spending more time on my outward appearance than on my relationship with God, then I was essentially sinning. Anything that takes the place of God is an idol. Scripture vividly speaks on the fact that God cares about the heart more than the way someone looks. 

1 Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” 

If I'm spending more time on my physical beauty than on my inward beauty  then I'm basically just putting lipstick on a pig. I should be focused on having a beautiful heart by seeking gentleness, kindness, patience, and self-control. Every time I finish my beauty routine and put on lipstick, I will check myself to make sure that I am investing even more time in to my spiritual beauty. 


1 Peter 3:3-4 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

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2. The second thing I want to remember when putting on my lipstick is the spiritual check question of "Does what comes out of my lips match what I put on them?" If you dress up your lips with lively colors but are speaking death, you are dishonoring your creator. Every time I check my lipstick or touch up, I will remind myself to speak encouragement and life to those around me. 

Ephesians 4:29  Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  

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3. Any lipstick wearing gal knows that when you put on lipstick it's going to come off on stuff. I have stained many a coffee cup with my vibrant hues. I used to joke that lipstick prints are how women mark their territory. Well metaphorically this is true. Wherever we go as women of God we leave a mark. The people we come in to contact with each day should be affected by our presence, no matter how brief the encounter. Even when you get your coffee at the drive through, are you treating the cashier with Christ-like kindness? Our ministry is not just within the walls of the church, we bring Jesus everywhere we go. So like the marks we leave behind on napkins and cups, we need to be thinking in the mentality that we are leaving our spiritual mark wherever we go. 

2 Corinthians 5:20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. 

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What NOT to Say to Those Who are Grieving

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Recently I had the rare and privileged opportunity to interview different people I know who have lost a loved one. Through their stories of grief and bereavement I was able to see a fragment of what it is like to experience such significant loss.
In the past two years I have felt the Lord leading me to this population and I aspire to eventually use my counseling license to reach those processing death. Along this journey a topic frequently surfaces: "What do I say to those hurting?" I myself wondered this, thus began my research. Through different counseling courses and individual interviews I have discovered it is not so much about what to say as it is about what not to say.
Even as I studied the book of Job I find that the presence of Job's friends was more meaningful than the content of their words. Being there for our loved ones may be of greater influence than spewing familiar colloquialisms in an attempt to bring comfort.
So through the different avenues of information I pursued, here is a list of the phrases that were found to be the least helpful.

1. "You're grieving wrong"

Every person who experiences loss grieves differently. There is no specific way to grieve because loss is all about the person's perception. Many things color that implication of loss; the relationship, their history, the way the person passed, the age they were when they passed, the last conversation that occurred before they passed, the person's perception of the world, faith, the list goes on. Because so many factors influence perception it is improbable that any of us can 'exactly' relate to the grieving person. We may have had a similar experience and may have developed techniques that worked for you, but ultimately you do not understand the reality of that persons feelings. As long as the person is not being self distructive or harming others, let them process in the way that works for them. A classmate of mine named Amanda discussed with me losing her husband at such a young age, she emphasized that anything that  puts expectations on someones grief is not helpful. We must remember that we have no right to try and control another's grieving process.

2. "I understand"
Like I discussed above, everyone has a different experience with grief and even though you may have had a significantly similar situation, you do not honestly understand their perception. This is a key phrase in the counseling field that we try to avoid. It diminishes the weight of their feelings rather than implying care. I know we feel that this is an appropriate phrase and we are simply trying to help, but for some, these are not helpful words. 

3. "You look like you're better"
This is another phrase that we feel expresses kindness and joy, but does not necessarily convey such. Though we may not admit it, we are uncomfortable with grieving and often inadvertently show excitement when someone seems to be 'getting over it'. This phrase however is unhelpful in two ways: first is because though the person may look fine they may not feel fine. Second is because we tend to rush people to move on so that we do not have to deal with their sadness interfering with our joy. I had the wonderful opportunity to interview a strong and brave woman from my church named Gaynor. She tragically and unexpectedly lost her husband a year ago and kindly took the time to share with me her perceptions. She explained in vivid detail how she often feels the need to put on a happy face and act 'normal' even if she is still hurting. Unfortunately as a society we push people to 'get back to normal' which often forces people to portray normalcy rather than express their true feelings. 

https://twitter.com/calebwilde/status/439878829205508096

4. "It looks like things are finally getting back to normal"
Feeding off of what I said above, let me emphasize this: For someone who has experienced significant loss, things do not go back to normal. A friend of mine named Marri Ellen who lost her husband few weeks ago to pancreatic cancer described her loss to me as getting her arm ripped off. It's like learning to live without a limb. Marri Ellen described to me the strange surreal feeling that came with losing her husband. She sometimes finds herself getting up to tell something to Bob but then realizes he is no longer there. "It's like I'm still looking for my lost limb." If I can quote Brooklyn a young woman who lost her boyfriend unexpectedly, she said it perfectly, "In the end other people just see the exterior not how you feel on the inside."  Let us remember not just to take things at face value. 
5. "It's time to move on"
Ouch! So this phrase is a little abrasive and we may not necessarily say it like this but we can imply 'moving on' in a variety of ways. For those who are grieving, time becomes far less relative. Loss is not a process to endure until it's over, but an event that carries with your heart for life.  We discuss Kubler Ross's 5 stages of grief like a line but actually the process is quiet cyclical. Unfortunately there is no 'end' to grief, it only becomes easier to talk about and remember with time, but does not actually go away. My friend Brooklyn described to me another phrase she heard when she lost her boyfriend, " It will heal in time." She discussed that time does not heal a wound, the wound simply turns in to a deep scar. There is no 'cure' for grief, there is only learning to cope with the symptoms. C.S. Lewis describes in his book A Grief Observed his experience of losing his wife to cancer. He states, " I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process." 

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I won't take time to explain these expressions but here are some other phrases we should avoid: "They went to hell" (this is just rude, and it's also heretical because no where does the Bible give authority to humans to deem someones eternity), "God will never give you more than you can handle" (Also not Biblical), "It's you're fault they died" (Just no.), "Stop crying", "They deserved to die" (they may have been a terrible person, but the loss can still be meaningful to the griever), "You should do this..." (No advice giving), or "At least they went quickly". 


So what can I do??
Through studying literature and speaking with others I have compiled a few basic helping tools we can employ. 

1. Keep their memory alive
Merri Ellen discussed with me how she felt the need to keep her husband's memory alive so that people would not forget who he was. We as humans tend to store away memories fairly quickly when something is not present in our lives. It's how our brain works. However to those who are grieving, this person is still of upmost importance to them and thus we should not disregard their feelings. By allowing the grieving person to share photos, stories, and other memories we can show appreciation for their special person and not allow the memory to fade it to forgetfulness. 

2. Let them talk
Instead of interjecting our thoughts, we should allow the person to talk about their loved one openly and freely. Amanda shared with me how she often feels weird about talking about her loss because she can tell it makes people feel awkward. To express concern and care all we truly have to do it listen. My graduate professor expressed a profound statement last night in my facilitation skills class, she said "Become comfortable with other people's discomfort." It is through allowing others to express pain, that we can help provide care. 

3. Mood Matching
Merri Ellen gave me another valuable gem of advice through her experience of loss but also through her vast experience in Hospice care. She discussed the importance of matching your mood to the grieving person. If that person is at a point in the process where they want to cry and mourn, it is not helpful or appropriate to bounce in, throw open the curtains, and try and cheer them up. Meet that person where they are at, rather than try and push them to another level. 

4. Hush Up
Here is a big one. One of the best things we can do as a friend is just to say nothing. Just be present and attentive. 

5. Stay

We fear death, it's innate. Because we are afraid of it we often run from it. Thus, when we have friends who experienced a death in their lives our natural tendency is to move away. We are uncomfortable with sadness and anxious when discussing the death itself. A friend of mine from college, Christina, lost the love of her life suddenly and was kind enough to share her thoughts. She expressed the pain of not only losing her boyfriend but also the pain of losing friends who backed away during this time. She explained just how helpful it would have been to have friends who stuck around and just hung out with her during her grief. Don't be that friend that walks out. Be there for them, even if it means getting outside of your comfort zone. 


Let us not be uneducated, or living in fear of loss, but reaching out to others who needs us the most. Death and loss are in everything, it is a part of life. Let us seek to gain understanding of how to help, and thus maybe when it is our turn to burden such sorrow, someone will be there to bring kindness in the pain. 

Thank you to all of the amazing people who contributed their experiences to this article. You have opened my eyes and given me new perspective. I am deeply grateful. 

If you would like to contribute your thoughts, please comment bellow. What has been helpful to you? What has been not so helpful? What do you wish people understood about grief?

Feel free to share.

Blessings to you and yours,

Chelsea Vanderford

12 Things We Could All Say More Often

"I'm Sorry"
Unfortunately there is a significant deficit of responsibility taking in American society. We don't tend to assume blame but instead transfer it on to others, or circumstances, anything but ourselves. We blame the environment around us for our actions rather than emphasizing the significance of our choices. Simply assuming consequences for our actions and apologizing can go a long way. Say sorry and move on. Wrongs heal faster with truth rather than covering them up with excuses.

"Let me do more research"
I am guilty as any when it come to just assuming information is right. I see articles and posts on Facebook and news sites with flashy statistics and often don't question how much of this shared information is actually true. I am learning that media is a manipulative force and it is important to search for truth and be an informed citizen. This goes hand-in-hand with my next phrase...

"I don't know enough about that to have an opinion"
Because we often assume and don't research facts we create opinions without having all the information. We do this with politics and cultural issues. We stand for things we know nothing about. It is important to educate our selves and not just adopt a mentality because it is fashionable.

"Thank You"
Let us be thankful for all that we have because ultimately it is because of God's great blessings that we have the things we do. I had the wonderful opportunity one summer to spend a month in India and work in an orphanage that my church supports. My eyes were opened to the world as I watched children find joy in the simplicities of life. I returned to the U.S. just in time for the 4th of July and I had such overwhelming appreciation for my country and my loving parents. It gave me a new perspective of how blessed I am. I have decided to cultivate an attitude of gratitude in all areas of my life.
Let us be thankful also of those around us. We all need each other to reach the goals in our lives. It's amazing how far an "atta boy" can go to someone in your life who needs some encouragement.

"I forgive you"
One of the most challenging aspects of my faith is letting go of past hurts and forgiving those who have caused pain in my life. God makes it clear in Matthew 6:14-15, Colossians 3:13, Matthew 18: 21-22, etc... that we are to forgive one another or God will not forgive us. There are no stipulations on this. We must forgive those who wrong us. This is challenging at times, but this is what God has called us to do. To live higher.

"I disagree"
It is okay that people have different opinions. You do not have to agree with others because it's p.c. You also do not have to be mean to others because they do not agree with you. Be compassionate without compromising your values. Always show kindness and respect, even if the other person does not impart equal graciousness.

"I Love You"
Always, always remember to vocalize your affections for the people in your life who are important to you. Life is a vapor and you never know what tomorrow holds. Take time to say "I Love You" to the dear ones in your life each day.

"Haha!"
So this isn't so much a phrase as it is an action. Learn to laugh at yourself when you make mistakes or do something silly. Instead of beating yourself up and getting discouraged just laugh and move on.

"Would you like to come to church with me?"
I researched last years Gallup Polls and surprisingly less than 17% of Americans reported that they attended church regularly. All it takes is an invitation. So many Christians get caught up in the 'church bubble' and forget that many out there would come to church if only invited.

"Want to grab lunch?"
... or something to this degree. We as humans don't connect like we used to. Technology has robbed us of face to face interaction at times. It is important to take time out of our crazy lives to connect with those around us. We are called to be disciples, discipling others. Mentor and be mentored. Don't just say "let's hang out sometime" but actually schedule time together. Moments like these create a catalyst for growth in both mentor and mentee. You never know what someone else is going through until you take a moment to view the world from their perspective.

"Yes!"
Every once in a while it's good to try something new or different just to develop experience. We often become fearful to try the unknown because we anticipate negative results. Next time someone asks you to help with an event, try a foreign restaurant, or go on an adventure. Instead of going home and hiding under your comfort blanket, say yes and just go for it. You never know what great and interesting things you might discover about yourself and the world.

Nothing at All
Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. My youth pastor growing up asked me the question "Does what you're going to say build someone up or tear someone down?" If the pent up words you want to say are on the negative side of the spectrum then it is better to just not say them. I am often quick to speak and not consider my words and because of this I have hurt others and only worsened my situation. I am slowly learning to just let things go and walk away. Sometimes the injustice of it all eats me up inside, but I am finding out that there is a peace in bringing these injustices to God and letting Him handle it. My duty as a Christian is to represent Christ in all ways. Thus I must learn to "tame the tongue" so that I may be like Him. Besides scripture tells us that to argue with fools, makes us foolish ourselves. Sometimes it's best just to leave that mess right where it's at.

10 Things Disney can Teach us About Jesus

I don't think this post warrants much introduction, so without further adieu...


1. Woody's Boot 
In the movie Toy Story one of the main Characters 'Woody', the toy cowboy has his owner's name written on the bottom of his boot. The name 'Andy' reminds Woody that even when he is lost, even when he is taken away from Andy, even when someone else tries to cover it up, that permanently written name is still there and proves his ownership to Andy who loves him.
Jesus wrote his name on our hearts when we asked Him to come in to our lives. No matter what we do; if we run, if we try to cover it up, if we try to wipe it off, Jesus has marked us. He reminds us that we belong to Him and that He loves us enough to claim us as His children. Sometimes we get lost in the world and forget our mark but somehow Jesus always finds us again and brings us back to Him.

I thank God that my 'Soul' is marked with the name 'Jesus'.

John 1:12New International Version (NIV)

12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—

2. Lilo's Perseverance
In the movie 'Lilo and Stitch', Stitch,the terrible alien, crashes on Earth and is discovered and loved by the native Hawaiian girl Lilo. Stitch is designed and programed to be destructive and designed to have no purpose in the world. Lilo, however, having such a pure childlike faith, is determined to make Stitch good.
We all need a Lilo in our life. Someone who invests in us and helps us grow in our faith, someone who disciples us. We also all need a Stitch in our life. Someone we can disciple and help grow. We are all called by God to be disciples disciplining others.

Hebrews 10:24-25New International Version (NIV)

24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

3. The Hatter's Madness
As bizarre as this is, the Mad Hatter in Disney's 'Alice in Wonderland' makes a profound statement to Alice's question: "Have I gone quite mad?" He replies "You're entirely bonkers, but I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are." Everyone is going through crazy stuff. Life is full of challenges, and overwhelming situations. To assume the church is an exclusive paradise of perfect people is false. The Hatter says it best, "We're all mad here!" Let's do a little less judging and a whole lot more loving because everyone is dealing with craziness in their life.

1 John 4:8New International Version (NIV)

8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

4. The Bare Necessities 

This one hits right at home for me. I am certainly guilty of forgetting my bare necessities such as being in the word everyday and praying. I let my ministries override the very base of my faith. If I'm not practicing in the necessities then everything else is going to be strained. It's important not to forget our foundation for growth. 

2 Timothy 3:16-17New International Version (NIV)

16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the servant of God[a] may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

5. Marlin's Love 

In Pixar's 'Finding Nemo' we see a perfect example of the distance a father would take to go after his lost son. Jesus is depicted as a shepherd in Scripture when he leaves the 99 to go after the one lost sheep. Likewise Marlin goes all the way to Sydney, Australia to find his lost son and encounters great difficulties in doing so. Same as our heavenly father who goes after the lost with endurance. 

Luke 15: 6,7

‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

6. Cinderella's Glass Slipper 

When Prince Charming ordered the hunt for the owner of the glass slipper, he searched all over the kingdom. He was determined to find his heart's desire. Many of us can remember a time when we searched all over for something to fill the big hole in our heart. When we finally found Jesus that hole was no longer there, but we were filled with His fullness and given true joy. Like Cinderella' slipper that fit just right, Jesus is that wholeness that gives us true life. 

Colossians 2:10New International Version (NIV)

10 and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority.

7. The Genie's Wishes 

I'm sure you have heard this before, but it is always a good reminder: "God is not a magic genie". We shouldn't only turn to God when we want something. Treating God like a wish granter rather than a heavenly father and great king is essentially selfishness. 

Psalm 29:2King James Version (KJV)

2 Give unto the Lord the glory due unto his name; worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness.

8. Mufasa's Spirit 

Mufasa reminds Simba that even when he feels alone that he is watching over him and is in his heart. Jesus operates the same. When we feel alone and afraid, we must remember that Jesus is in our hearts and goes with us and watches over us. He will never leave us or abandon us. Even if we can't see Him, He is here. 

Psalm 121:5-8New International Version (NIV)

5 The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

9. The Incredibles's Talents 
Everyone has their own gifts and talents that can be used to bless others and glorify God. Each member has a unique superpower that they develop and use to contribute to their family's team effort. The Incredibles beat their enemies and saved each other from harm by functioning as a team. As a church team we need all the superpowers not just the visible ones. Everyone plays a part in helping the church grow, from the lead pastor to the custodian.

1 Corinthians 12: 4-6 (NIV)

4 There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. 5 There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. 6 There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.

10. Peter Pan's Belief

When teaching Wendy and her siblings to fly Peter Pan gives an inspirational quote "The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it. For to have faith is to have wings." Sometimes it is difficult to jump and trust Jesus to help us fly. We lose faith in our doubt, we lose faith that Jesus can do what he says. Trusting God and having faith in Him will help us soar to new heights, if only we just believe. If you're having trouble dealing with the doubt, do like Peter says and "Think happy thoughts." If you think about how Jesus will lead you and go before you, you will begin to know it in your heart that He will. 

Philippians 4:8King James Version (KJV)

8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

What Disney characters teach you about Jesus? Comment and Share!